each of us live our lives in our little snowglobes, beautiful and polished when glanced at, but upon a closer look we see that everyones snow globe is tainted, cracked or gloomy.

sometimes you have to step outside the snow globe that is your life, and review yourself as a whole. i've been trying to better myself in every role that i am given. as a grand daughter, a big sister, a best friend, a girlfriend, a person, a christian, a vegetarian, someone you know, whether it be under good or bad context.

i often debate with myself, i do something mean out of spite i feel as though im a bad person, i do something nice despite someone elses mean action and i end up feeling defeated.

maybe justin's right, i have a knack for creating a problem, i cant ever allow myself to just BE happy, to just BE, in general. i focus too much on what could go wrong, to ever enjoy the beauty of the things and the people i have in my life.

it's hard not to be frustrated when you feel as though the world has some plot they're all in on, to exploit every flaw and bad quality you have, repeatedly, being kicked when you're down.

i suppose i always try to carry a positive spin on my life, when things are bad, they could be worse, but you always have that ideal in the back of your head that's REALLY telling you, it could be better, which has become more of my focus.

i'm starting to really grow up, i'm beginning to have goals, things that i want from my life, i'm starting to realize the bigger picture, whats of more importance, pacing myself and THINKING PRIOR to speaking, which is an amazing and NEW concept to me.

i suppose in conclusion all that there is to be said is that everyone should take a deeper look, to refrain from running and to take the time to stand in front of a mirror and say to yourself "this is me, despite any good and bad decisions i make, despite anyone or anything else, despite the "forces working against me", i have myself"

and to better yourself from that, you don't want to have a crappy friend in yourself, or you know it's going to reflect onto someone else and in turn youll be a crappy friend to the people around you.

take the time to know yourself, and to dig into the decisions you make and WHY, if they are good, if they are positive, your perspectives on life, always keeping yourself in check.

just some food for thought....

Current Mood: discontent

i'm losing it.
i don't sleep
i don't eat
i can't focus
im stressed constantly and it's
finally caught up to me...

i feel as though i'm lost
among a sea of people i used to know
i feel beaten down from the
harsh glances and condescending words
so carefully chosen and thrown my way


like a sickness that has invaded my body
i have fallen short of the perfection that i have sought out for myself
i'm spinning so fast that i've lost my sense of direction
and the more i try to ground myself
the more i find myself trying to catch up
the more lost i seem to get myself

my eyes on one prize
one goal
the one thing i have wanted
for far longer than it seems fair

and i am so close i can taste it
but not close enough to touch it

taking two steps forward
always to take one step back
makes it awfully hard to get anywhere you want to be


as i lie awake at night, eyes wide open
a movie of memories and insecurities
projected onto the ceiling
bones and muscles exhausted

i find that i'm running myself on empty
yet i feel my efforts get me nowhere
i have exhausted myself running in place
when i thought i was getting ahead in the race








 

Current Mood: exhausted

i've been stuck within myself, in this sense of frustration
i become a turtle when stressed
i hide inside my shell and i don't let anyone distract me
from what i'm trying to do, move along with my life

only sometimes, i end up hurting the people closest to me
because i don't tell them anything, and then i blow up

i become my own worst enemy and i let things get in the way
of what i really want happiness, but when someone tries to make me happy
i brush them off and discard it as though i'm ungrateful

which isn't at ALL my intentions.


so now i'm sitting here, after another bad day

and i'm trying to come to terms with what i should do
to change the things i do and the habits i've maintained
part of strength comes from building and rebuilding who you are
defining and re defining who you are.

evaluating and re evaluating.

and i guess my cause isnt helped by the fact that im a total perfectionist
and so i constantly overthink things

like to the point where alyssas mom says "jes you way overthink things"
(she literally JUST said that)

*enter long deep sigh here*

it's like that ingrid michaelson song, "all we can do is keep breathing"
it's sort of true if you really think about it
just move forth
just push through it all even when you dont feel strong
and embrace each day for what its worth


and truthfully, i feel a bit better now

xoxo--